“Debbie, it is so good to see you!”
What a sweet greeting this would be…if you were Debbie. More and more, Mom is confusing you with her sister, forgetting that you are her daughter. Memory loss due to dementia can cause someone you love to no longer recognize your face, which is often extremely hard to accept. The sadness is overwhelming, the frustration undeniable, and the questions keep mounting up: What do I do now? Why is this happening?
These guidelines will help you react to these moments with grace and love, maintaining your connection in a new and different way.
Realize That It’s Not Personal
When a person you love has difficulty recognizing you, it is normal to feel hurt, as though all those beloved moments between the two of you have been lost. However it’s worthwhile to remember: this has nothing to do with you personally. Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia cause changes in a person’s brain that can make it difficult, and sometimes even impossible, for them to remember the individuals who are closest to them.
They haven’t forgotten you intentionally. They haven’t stopped caring about you, even if they are not able to remember your name or how you’re related. This is the disease talking, not the senior. Reminding yourself that it is the disease—not a reflection of your relationship—can help you work through the painful emotions that arise in these moments.
Focus on the Feelings, Not the Reality
Although the person might not remember your name, they are able to feel your presence. Alzheimer’s disease often affects memory, but it doesn’t get rid of the ability to sense emotions. Even if they don’t know that you’re their spouse, son, or daughter, they will still feel loved, safe, and comforted in your presence.
So rather than focusing on making them recall the details of your relationship, concentrate on generating positive feelings. Share a comforting hug, smile when you see them, hold their hand. These behaviors mean more than words or names, and they can bring moments of connection even though the specifics have faded away.
Join Them in Their World
Dementia can produce a gap between your reality and theirs, and often bridging that gap means giving up the need to make them return to your reality. If the senior thinks you are somebody from their distant past, or does not recognize the present moment, it may be reassuring just to join them in their reality as opposed to try to correct them.
As an example, if they think you are an old friend from childhood, instead of encouraging them to remember who you really are, ask questions that match their current memory. This strategy can lessen confusion and anxiety for them and enables you to share a moment of joy within their present understanding.
Find New Approaches To Connect
When memory fades, it does not mean the connection needs to fade with it. Finding new ways to stay connected can help keep your bond in a meaningful way. Consider what still brings them enjoyment. Music is frequently a powerful tool—it may bring memories rushing back even if names and words are forgotten. Playing their favorite songs might bring a smile to their face and even help you share a happy moment together.
Photos and easy activities may help too. Looking through old family pictures may not stimulate detailed memories, but it can still generate a sense of familiarity and comfort. Activities like taking a walk together, brushing their hair, or sharing a favorite snack can create new positive moments, even when they don’t recognize you in the traditional sense.
Give Yourself Space to Grieve
There’s no denying that when someone you care about doesn’t recognize you, it feels like a powerful loss. It is okay to feel helpless, sad, or even angry. You are mourning a significant change in your relationship, and that grief is valid. Take time to accept your feelings and find outlets for them, such as talking with another family member or friend, joining a support group, or writing in a journal.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Connecting with other individuals who understand what you’re experiencing can help you process your feelings. Understanding that you are not alone in facing these difficult moments will make it feel a little less isolating.
Celebrate Small Moments of Joy
While the person might not remember your name, there will nevertheless be moments that are worth celebrating. A smile, a shared laugh, a gentle touch—these moments are important, even if they seem small. Shift your focus to those fleeting moments of joy, because they are still real, and they still matter.
If your loved one seems content and calm in your presence, that’s a win. If they smile at a favorite song or relax when you hold their hand, that’s a success. These experiences remind you that while the relationship may be different now, the love you share is still there; it’s just shown in new ways.
Discover Our Dementia Care Services
We know that forgetting names is just one of the many difficult outcomes of dementia, and we’re here to help you through them all. Our caregivers receive specialized training in effective dementia care methods, and we’d welcome the chance to help someone you love. Give us a call any time at 805-737-4357 or reach out to us online to learn more about our dementia care in Santa Maria, Lompoc, Arroyo Grande, and San Luis Obispo and Santa Barbara County.