Your mom may remember parts of your childhood that have completely disappeared from your own memory. She remembers the first day of school when you clung to the car door and refused to go inside. She remembers the college acceptance letter that brought you to tears, the little apartment you lived in after graduation, and how nervous you were before walking down the aisle. She may even remember funny stories you have never been able to recall yourself.
For years, you may have taken those memories for granted. Then dementia enters the picture, and suddenly you realize that your parent has been carrying pieces of your personal history all along.
Much of the conversation surrounding Alzheimer’s often focuses on preserving memories with dementia. While memory loss is heartbreaking, there is another kind of loss that families may not recognize right away. Your parent is also a keeper of your story. Some of the details they remember may not exist anywhere else.
That makes the time you have together especially meaningful. While your mom can still access some of those memories, consider asking questions that preserve not only her history but your own.
Don’t just record their history. Ask about yours.
When an older parent can still talk about the past, it’s natural to ask about their childhood, their parents, their marriage, or the experiences that shaped their life. Those conversations can be incredibly valuable.
However, there is another story you can explore together: your story as your parent remembers it.
You may be surprised by how much your mother remembers about you from before you were old enough to form lasting memories yourself. Consider asking questions such as:
- What was I like before I can remember? Ask your mom what made you laugh as a child, what scared you, who you wanted to be around, and what you were especially stubborn about. Find out what habits or little quirks you had. You may discover that you were a very different child than the one you remember being.
- When did you see me differently than I saw myself? Ask when your parent first noticed that you were brave, independent, funny, caring, creative, stubborn, or capable. Perhaps she remembers a moment when you handled something difficult and impressed her. Her perspective may reveal qualities in you that you never recognized at the time.
- What happened around the stories I already know? You probably have a handful of family stories you have heard over and over. Instead of asking your mom to tell the same story about your broken arm, first job, school play, or childhood mishap, ask what happened immediately before or afterward. Who was there? What was happening at home? What did she think when it happened? These surrounding details can bring an old memory to life in a completely new way.
- What do you remember that I’ve completely forgotten? Give your mom the freedom to choose. Rather than prompting her toward a particular event, ask what memory of you has stayed with her. Sometimes the seemingly ordinary moments are the ones she remembers most clearly.
If a question makes your mom confused, uncomfortable, or frustrated, simply move on. There is no need to complete a list of questions or turn the conversation into a formal interview. Dementia can affect memory unpredictably, and a person may remember one seemingly insignificant event while being unable to recall something that happened yesterday.
Give those memories somewhere to stay.
You don’t need to create a complicated family-history archive to preserve these stories. Start small. After your mom shares a memory, write it down in the notes app on your phone. If you have an old photograph, jot down the names of the people pictured and what your mom remembers about the day. If she’s comfortable with it, record a conversation so you can listen to it again later.
You can also share the stories with your siblings or other relatives. A memory that might otherwise disappear can become part of the family’s collective history.
And remember that the little stories deserve a place, too. Maybe you called bananas “nanas” until you started school. Maybe you refused to leave the house without your favorite toy or wore rain boots during the middle of summer. Those details may seem insignificant, but they can offer a wonderful glimpse into the child your mother knew.
Preserving memories with dementia is one of our specialties!
As dementia changes what Mom can remember, Superior Senior Home Care is here to support your family in many ways. Our specially trained dementia caregivers understand how to interact with people experiencing cognitive changes, and they enjoy spending time talking, reminiscing, and connecting with the people we serve. We also offer a full range of home care services designed to make life with dementia safer, more comfortable, and easier to manage.
Call us at 805-737-4357 to learn how we can support someone you love in Santa Maria, Nipomo, Santa Ynez, or the surrounding communities.